Saturday, May 21, 2011

Joy and Pain...

I have really been dreading this post.. I have avoided it mostly because I didn't really know how and where to start without bringing too much gloom to this blog. However, because my goal in starting this blog was to write about our life, I knew that no matter how much I avoided it the time would come to unload just a little.. Fortunately, our life is mostly happy.. We are so blessed in so many ways that at times it made me worry about what bad things lurked in the future.. For those of you who know me, you know I worry.. So even while I laughed at my silly daughter or enjoyed a simple cup of coffee I would always wonder if there was something bad going to happen.. How long could the good times last?

The past couple of months have been a challenge on all fronts.. I won't bore you with work because at the end of the day, its just that- Work.. We are employed and that is more than many can say in this economy.. I countinue to be grateful for gainful employment.

The real challenges have been dealing with a life that included two funerals, two weddings and a birth to name a few events..

We did not get the chance to get home from our Disney Cruise before a call Sunday morning shocked me into the present.. My mom called to tell me that very suddenly my aunt, my "Mom Josefina" had passed mid week.. To this day I swear she visited me on Wed night hundreds of miles away from her sick bed.. I had no premonition leaving that anything would happen to her but for some reason I tossed and turned every night.. I didnt feel relaxed.. Wednesday night I really thought the cruise was not going to be for me.. Somehow by Thursday I was calmer.. I found out later she passed that night.. The shock of having to drive from the port directly to her viewing was surreal.. I don't even remember changing my clothes or who was at the viewing.. I just know that when I finally made my way to her coffin it was not my mom Josefina lying there.. I will instead remember her in her yellow robe or telling stories about me as a little girl.. After that we had a wedding for Jessica which was bittersweet and yet helped lift the spirits of the family enough to mourn as a family..

Little did we know we would need that strength for the next month.. My uncle Lencho whom I knew was withering away before our eyes was the next one to leave us.. After a few weeks of grieving for his sister, he too succumbed to the illness, pain and cancer. The looks in the eyes of the doctors and the shock of seeing how frail my uncle was as we tried to get him admitted to the hospital was almost too much to bear. While my mom and I tried to ask questions and remain focused, the rest of the family was gathering and already reliving the pain of the recent loss and bracing for the loss that seemed so near.. My cousins who loved their father with so much care were united until the very last breath. I was just in time to say my good byes and this time and I was somewhat prepared. But prepared or not the pain ripped me apart at the sight of his grown sons and grandchildren crying after his last breaths were taken.. I was instantly in those dark places where you just can't believe that you can hurt so much and still live..

All this time family that we don't see regularly was camped at my moms. My phonebook started to fill up with numbers for all my cousins and we all bonded tighter in our pain.. In so many ways that pain brought us some joy.. We shared stories and memories.. Some days it was hard to smile but little by little the good times crept back in..

After pain of March and April the month of May started with another wedding.. Luis and Hallie had a lovely and intimate ceremony to celebrate their new life together..We smiled a little brighter.. We welcomed another member to the family..

As a favorite song of mine says you can't know happiness until you have known pain.. The past two months have brought doses of both and to have lived and loved through them means I am still here.. I am still standing..

God is good,