Joy and Pain...

I have really been dreading this post.. I have avoided it mostly because I didn't really know how and where to start without bringing too much gloom to this blog. However, because my goal in starting this blog was to write about our life, I knew that no matter how much I avoided it the time would come to unload just a little.. Fortunately, our life is mostly happy.. We are so blessed in so many ways that at times it made me worry about what bad things lurked in the future.. For those of you who know me, you know I worry.. So even while I laughed at my silly daughter or enjoyed a simple cup of coffee I would always wonder if there was something bad going to happen.. How long could the good times last?

The past couple of months have been a challenge on all fronts.. I won't bore you with work because at the end of the day, its just that- Work.. We are employed and that is more than many can say in this economy.. I countinue to be grateful for gainful employment.

The real challenges have been dealing with a life that included two funerals, two weddings and a birth to name a few events..

We did not get the chance to get home from our Disney Cruise before a call Sunday morning shocked me into the present.. My mom called to tell me that very suddenly my aunt, my "Mom Josefina" had passed mid week.. To this day I swear she visited me on Wed night hundreds of miles away from her sick bed.. I had no premonition leaving that anything would happen to her but for some reason I tossed and turned every night.. I didnt feel relaxed.. Wednesday night I really thought the cruise was not going to be for me.. Somehow by Thursday I was calmer.. I found out later she passed that night.. The shock of having to drive from the port directly to her viewing was surreal.. I don't even remember changing my clothes or who was at the viewing.. I just know that when I finally made my way to her coffin it was not my mom Josefina lying there.. I will instead remember her in her yellow robe or telling stories about me as a little girl.. After that we had a wedding for Jessica which was bittersweet and yet helped lift the spirits of the family enough to mourn as a family..

Little did we know we would need that strength for the next month.. My uncle Lencho whom I knew was withering away before our eyes was the next one to leave us.. After a few weeks of grieving for his sister, he too succumbed to the illness, pain and cancer. The looks in the eyes of the doctors and the shock of seeing how frail my uncle was as we tried to get him admitted to the hospital was almost too much to bear. While my mom and I tried to ask questions and remain focused, the rest of the family was gathering and already reliving the pain of the recent loss and bracing for the loss that seemed so near.. My cousins who loved their father with so much care were united until the very last breath. I was just in time to say my good byes and this time and I was somewhat prepared. But prepared or not the pain ripped me apart at the sight of his grown sons and grandchildren crying after his last breaths were taken.. I was instantly in those dark places where you just can't believe that you can hurt so much and still live..

All this time family that we don't see regularly was camped at my moms. My phonebook started to fill up with numbers for all my cousins and we all bonded tighter in our pain.. In so many ways that pain brought us some joy.. We shared stories and memories.. Some days it was hard to smile but little by little the good times crept back in..

After pain of March and April the month of May started with another wedding.. Luis and Hallie had a lovely and intimate ceremony to celebrate their new life together..We smiled a little brighter.. We welcomed another member to the family..

As a favorite song of mine says you can't know happiness until you have known pain.. The past two months have brought doses of both and to have lived and loved through them means I am still here.. I am still standing..

God is good,

Alex

Settling into the new year...

After the holidays are over it always takes me weeks to feel settled.. This year was no different.. As you can tell by the new blog background and the lack of current entries I have been stumped. The new blogger backgrounds do not want to cooperate with my chosen templates.. So for now I will have to live with the out of the box options.. C'est la vie...

This year not only snuck up on me, but it's the first year that I didn't torture myself with resolutions.. I finally wrapped my head around the reality that year long goals are too much to take on.. With all the things that I already juggle at home and work, why add another thing to the to do list? This year its all about less being more.. Are you with me?

I realize by now you may be face down on your computer from boredom and for that I am clearly at fault but stick with me.. The year has only just begun.. I hope to get better at this blogging business.. I may take some real lessons in digital photography so that I can do more than just force people to smile when I come by with my camera.. I hope to get back into the quilting swing. If all goes well I may have some finished projects at the end of the year and my stash will dwindle (only to clear space for new lovely yards of fabric)..

Our family is always top of the list.. and with a new 4 legged member it means more time outside for exercise.. yes, you read right.. Izzy joined the family.. I was trapped and pressured I tell you.. Jake is taking to her and sharing his yard.. Maya is beside herself with happiness and asking nightly when Izzy will get to sleep in her room..Here is Maya cuddling with Izzy..

So whatelse is in store for 2011? Your guess is as good as mine.. I am thrilled that we are both still gainfully employed.. Maya is taking well to her new school.. Although I know she only goes because she has too.. That girl would be happy to never leave her home.. And while I realize that is crazy it also makes me slightly happy as a mom.. She feels safe and happy at home..

At the end of the day that is all I have ever wanted.. Its everything and more than I could have wished for to have a family of my own.. We are all healthy and happy.. How blessed could we be?

Happiness to you and yours in 2011!
Buzz,
Alex

What a surprise!

I must be getting old because I had no clue what my family had up their sleeves... After spending a fabulous day at Glen Ivy with my mom and Sharon I was starving.. I was looking forward to my favorite appetizer MUSSELS! Well little did I know I would not be eating seafood.. Instead I walked into my surprise birthday party!

I could not believe it.. My dearest friends and family were there.

My aunt Hilda and uncle Alfredo trekked up..

All the Dans..The Liegghios, Piras and Hogans! We are setting records this year for seeing each other.. I love that we are all in the same state..

My cousins..Luis, Monica and Mona.. Permanent figures in my life..

The Bell Family made it too!

Really it was more than I could even take in. My mom cooked my favorites- Mole and Chiles Rellenos.. She also managed to get this FABULOUS cake.. Just like the chinatown cakes of my childhood.. This was an amazing light sponge cake filled with fresh strawberries and decorated with slivered almonds...I was amazed, surprised and so happy to be with so many of the people who make my life what it is..

Thanks Mom, Arthur and Martin.. Oh yes, and the little decoy Maya..

I felt loved and oh so grateful...
Alex

My mentor...

Besides my mom there has only been one other person in my life who has believed in me so unconditionally, Mrs. Robinson.

She started out as my high school English teacher.. Later she became my guidence counselor and an ear for all my fears about school.. She always pushed me to challenge myself as a student.. She told me that I was college material.. She made me (and the rest of her students) read and understand Shakespeare. To this day, I remember more about the work I did in high school than I do college..

All these years later, I am proud to count her as my friend and mentor..

Big Hugs,

Alex

New Shoes...

I have slowly become obsessed with red.. I used to be scared of red. It was too powerful.. I also had memories of my dad saying I could not wear red nail polish for Sprit Fridays in high school.. (To this day I can't wear any nail polish except clear, yes, I am that weird)..

Over time I have found myself more attracted to red in all its variations.. It started with a deep wine red for my walls.. I was thrilled when Martin humored me and painted the entire family room and kitchen in my chosen red. (I know best hubby)... To this day I love the color and now even my laundry room is deep wine red...

Then one day I had a pedicure and ventured to red with a little shimmer.. I was pleasantly surprised at how feminine my feet looked..I mean I have size 9s there is nothing dainty about them...

In quilting, I was drawn to Amerciana quilts and somehow always find a little red in my quilts. It's just that little pop in a flower, a gigham check.. a little heart.... I love that Julie claims Red as her favorite color..Someday I hope to be that brave..

It's funny because now that I think about it Martin must like red too because he bought me a red sweater for Christmas that made it into a family picture..

Then there's Candy, my new kitchen aid. It was her Ferrari red that I couldn't resist (again, best hubby).

The last frontier was shoes.. I mean forget the fact that I am Ms. Practical and boring, my shoes tend to also be functional and not so stylish... Deanna has tried to educate me on the finer points of clothes but without her I am not always as successful at finding the right outfit.. I am a work in progress and Deanna has her work cut out for her.. But I digress..

Deanna owns this FABULOUS pair of Charles & David platform heels that I admire.. I have tried them on and felt amazingly daring but in a fun way... Then about a year ago another blog I read had this cute pair of red shoes in the banner.. Super cute and not as amazing as Deanna's but safer. Something that I could picture myself wearing.. But me, I don't own anything like that, or I didnt..

Saturday morning Maya and I headed to the mall in search of a gift.. Next thing I know I come across these

My first instinct was to get them in black or brown..but my little fashion forward side kick said "RED"... I debated.. I didn't find my size at first.. when I did find them I knew it was meant to be.. They didn't dissapoint.. With a $5 buck coupon for Old Navy in hand (I told you practical, frugal, that's me) I took these home..
They are fun and not too high.. Looking forward to sporting them this summer.. I wonder if they will transport me to Oz if I click my heels?

Hee Hee,
Alex

Establishing balance...

True to my Libra nature, I am very sensitive to the forces in my life..I like to keep myself in balance because when I am not I feel it both physically and mentally.. I don't sleep well, I eat food that makes me feel horrible, my emotions vascilate between extremes.. I miss that rythm of life which for me feels comfortable..

I have been battling the negative forces, thoughts and emotions that were weighing me down since last year.. Stress is the main culprit and an old friend.. As always, I tried to ignore it but this year the generalized anxiety in the air was more than even I could ignore..It was a thick blanket which somehow didn't keep me warm.. As much as I could feel the difference in myself, I wasn't able to avoid it. So for a few weeks, I felt like an Eeoyre. Everything was too much.. I just didn't want to do anything more than the minimum..

As I looked as my life, I knew that it was not anything specific to me.. Sure there are things to worry about and I can do that with the best of them but it was more about this build up of saddness in the lives of people whom I care about.. The helplessness was frustrating..

The scales tipped too far and I finally decided that I wouldn't continue to feed that negativity any longer.. It took a few days of mental battle with myself but I believe in the power of choice. I can choose to stay in that funk or I can get back on track.. I can put that same energy into a better and more positive attitude... My attitude wasn't horrible but I knew I wasn't at my best, I wasn't enjoying my blessings..

SO for those of you, especially my hubby and my pumpkin, who had to put up with me..thanks for bearing with me while I marinated in those feelings.. Now I can come out like the sun after a rainy day.. My internal spring cleaning has begun..

I am ready to embrace life's ups and downs for each has their place..

Namaste...

Alex

Great Zot!

I took a stroll down memory lane last night. I attended an Alumni event, a Chicano Latino Alumni event to be specific. I hadn't been to UCI since Arthur's graduation in 2005..

I can't believe how fast time has flown. I was shocked to be wearing a class of 97 badge..Me, really?.. I graduated that many years ago?

It was so good to see and hear the professors talk about how much has changed, how there is a whole department for CL studies and sadly how much has not changed.. Latinos are still a small percentage of the student body and amid the budget cuts higher ed is taking a beating..

I am such a nerd that I wish I could be a professional student and in so many ways I wish I had known what I was really doing in school. I was so lucky to be the first to go to college and yet at the same time I was also a deer in headlights. I was so worried about making the grades that I really did not make time for the social. I didnt get the college experience. As a result, I truly did not make any lasting friendships during those years. It's not that I didn't meet people, I met some awesome people. Even now certain songs remind me of my college days, classes, and certain friends..The memories are bittersweet. I am saddened that I didn't keep in touch..These were the days before email and the internet as we know it now..

College for me was an amazing opportunity to learn so much and grow into my own skin.. It truly was a moment in time when I was absorbing so much.. Even then I was a geek, I was facinated by research, I was in awe of professors.. I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be living on a University campus, to be learning. Unfortunately, the school was large and could be faceless.. On the rare occasion when I did have small classes I reveled in actually talking to a professor and the tidbits of insight into classmates.. So many people from all over and from different families and socioeconomic groups was also a huge factor in how foreign the expereince was. Hindsight is 20/20.. I wish I had kept up with those friendships. I wish I could remember all the names of the Class of 95 SAEP (Summer academic enrichment program). I rememer, Jen Cole, Rachel, Eddie, some of the professors, Cesar, James and Victor.. I remember how little we slept and how much we tried to learn in that 5 weeks.. I wish I could reconnect with some of my awesome dormmates, like Crazy Olga, Wendy L, Laura C. and Jesse G.. My roomie Virgie (everytime I see a Love is comic I think of her.. or if I hear Mana, I am instantly in our room).. I especially miss my couseling course peers (Amanda, Astrid, Tracy, Erica, etc) whom all shared and experienced some amazing times in Dr. Loxley's class. Lessons in psychology which to this day help me cope with people who frustrate me and remind myself that my choices are mine..

It was good to be at the school again.. It was amazing to share it with Arthur. It's another thing we have in common, UCI..

Zot Zot!

Alex

It's my life continued...

It's Tuesday again! Ms. Julie and her family history series has me hooked.. It's been neat to think of some of my family history.. to see the fabric of my life in reverse and appreciate the pieces of the puzzle that add up to me in the here and now...

This week we are still focused on the home..I will again focuse on the apartment at Oak terrace which was were we lived the longest.
1) Can you remember what you daydreamed about as you looked out of your bedroom window?
I didn't day dream about any one thing.. but I do remember just sitting on my bed wondering if I could study enough for school, read my books fast enough or fit any more posters on the wall.. Since my brother and I shared a room I was always trying to figure out how to arrange it to maximize the floor space. Looking outside of my window I would have only seen more apartments..

2) What was your parents' room like? The beds, the bedspreads, the easy chairs? Did you spend much time in there with them? Were you allowed to rest in their beds when you were sick?
My mom and dad's room was clean and orderly while bare.. My dad was a Marine so everything was well organized. They had a queen sized bed with no frame. It was not really decorated although I do remember my mom having a few porcelain masks on the wall.. There were no chairs or other things to sit on. We were not really allowed in their room.. The door was closed most of the time..I only went in to vacuum because my dad like to see the vacuum tracks. Even if we were sick it was not a room we went into. My dad would say that we needed to contain our germs in our room so the rest of the house wouldn't get sick. I can only really remember one time going in to watch the end of Beaches with my mom and crying at the movie's ending.

3) Was there music in your house? Do you remember it being a quiet house or one filled with noise? It was a noisy house. Four people in a two bedroom meant that there was always someone making noise. My brother could be playing video games, or entertaining some of his friends..Mom cooked, cleaned and was always watching everyone else. Dad may have been organizing baketball cards, watching a game or ironing. There was always music. Each room could have music. I had my own stereo that was my 8th grade graduation gift. My dad loved music and was always playing one of his albums- yes Records! We listened to everything from his collection which was mostly R&B.. He played the SOS band, Al Green and Keith Sweat. If I never hear Keith Sweat again, I think I would still know all the songs from memory.. If I hear Al Green now I always think of my dad..If I hear dance music or disco I think of my mom. It was such a loud house I was shocked by the quiet when I was in college. I had to study in noisy places because that was what I was used to..
One memory from before my brother was born was of a little radio that my mom had on the window ledge. I remember I had a neighbor named Valerie in that particular apartment. At the time, I remember the Bee Gees and Christopher Cross streaming in from the little radio on the ledge in the kitchen.

4) Was there any place in your house that scared you? The basement? The attic? Or anyplace where you felt cozy, like halfway down the stairs?
Nope.. Again, living in a single story apartment we didnt have attics, basements or stairs.. Our couches were cozy and well lived in.. we often fell asleep on the couches. I have always been slightly superstitious so I didn't like open closets at night but other than that there was no where that was creepy..

Family history continued...

It's Tuesday and around here it's Family History night..The last two family posts have put so many great ideas and memories in my head.. I hope you are inspired to capture some memories for your family too.. That Julie and her idea's..stinkin cute, I tell ya..

The questions for tonight are focused on the home of your childhood..I never lived in a house so my story will be slightly different..

1) What did your home look like? Was is a house or an apartment? What color was it? Was it one story or two? Well we moved many times as a kid.. We always lived in apartments.. When I was about 6 we lived in one complex with a pool.. I knew then that I loved to swim.. I can't count the number of times we moved but needless to say we lived in a few places in LA and a few in San Diego before we settled in Vista, CA. To me Vista was home. It was the place where we had the most sense of normal. The apartments were called Oak Terrace. My cousin Monica and her husband lived in a unit a few over from ours. It was light brown with dark bown trim colored complex. We had a one story apartment with 2 rooms. I shared a room with Arthur..
2. What was your neighborhood like? Our neighborhood was actually set amongst a lot of other apartments and a few senior apartments.. It was a loud and friendly complex. It also had a pool which we spent a lot of time in.. We used to be able to walk to the market, the laundromat, Thrifty (before Rite Aid). The local LDS ward was down the street in front of a huge dirt lot that was never developed. We used to walk in that field and pick up licorice sticks..

3. Did you have a lawn? Did you have flower beds? Did you have a garden? Did you help care for the flowers or garden? The apartments had a long football field type lawn running across the front.. Directly in front of the apartments there were shrubs but not real flowers or gardens.. We did not do any type of lawn or garden work. That was all done by the apartment management.. My mom loves her house plants but that was about it.. We got a lot of use out of the grass lawn.. Arthur played ball and every other sport he could on that lawn..

4. Did you have a front stoop or porch? Nope.. Neither.. Which is probably why I am obsessed with porches... We just had concrete walkways that led to the door. It was just enough space to put out a welcome mat.

That's all for now..

Alex

It's My Life (Part 2)

Well here's the second installment of the series on family history. As you know the original post is over at Julie's blog.. I am really enjoying the process mostly because I am always fascinated by people's stories.. The fact that this is mine is trival.. In reality it is the story of my family and in so many ways I have always been the family historian.. I am the only one who really loves to remember the grandparent's and try to figure out the family tree.. For me this is an opportunity to capture it in writing.. I have lots of oral stories..

Questions for this week.

1) Was yours a religious family? Not in particular.. We did go through a phase during my mom's first marriage where we went to church on Sunday's and said the rosary after dinner at the Cortez house.. We received all our sacrements in the Catholic church. We always knew to how to pray, the order of mass. My grandmother Ramona did not frequent chuches but was a firm believer in God and the ability to connect and pray directly with God.

Were Sunday's spent together as a family? Not for religious reasons.. We didn't have a routine around Sunday's. We usually spent Sunday's at home cleaning, doing homework, cooking extra meals and getting ready for the week.

2) Did your family take vacations? No.. We did not have the luxury of vacations. When I was in high school we took a few camping trips and a road trip to Milwaukee with our step dad. My first real vacation was to Colorado with my mom and brother. We were allowed to go with her since she needed to work while in Colorado..Did you go to the same place every year? Nope..

3) Do you remember any special stories your grandparents told you? Yes, my maternal grandmother, Ramona, would tell me that when it rained on earth it meant God was watering his garden in heaven.. That he was cleaning the earth and providing water to the plants on the earth as well.

Did you sit on a lap when you heard there stories or did you hear them when you and your grandparent walked hand in hand while taking a stroll? Actually, I remember the stories at bed time. When I stayed at my grandmother Ramona's she would brush my hair at night before bed..

Do you tell any of these same stories to your children? Yes, I have also told my daughter that God is watering the garden in heaven.

4) Did your grandparents live near by? My maternal grandparents lived in Tijuana, Mexico about 2 hrs away from us in Los Angeles. My paternal grandparents were divorced but both lived in San Diego.

How often did you visit their home? I spent much of my first 4 years at my maternal grandparents house.. Apparently I also spent some at my paternal grandfather's but I do not remember any of that. When I was a preteen and teenager I spent time with my paternal grandmother, Antonia.. Mostly in the summer time or an odd weekend.

Did the house have any special smells? My maternal grandparents lived in a tiny 2 room house. It always smelled of something cooking. My grandmother, Ramona, was a great cook and the house mostly smelled of cinnamon to me.. On cleaning day I remember Pine sol and bleach.

What did the couch feel like? I don't remember since her dolls sat on the couch. We often sat at the table or directly on the beds. At my grandmother Antonia's I always loved falling asleep on the couch.. It was confortable..

How big was the kitchen? At my grandmother Ramona's it was tiny.. There was barely enough room. The stove and the table took up 80% of the room.. It was cozy.. At my grandmother Antonia the kitchen was newer but still small. We mostly ate out.

Ok, that's it for this week..

Have a great one!

Alex

It's my life...

My dear friend Miss Julie Isa of Tattered Threads has started a very neat thing.. A weekly entry on family.. A way for us to get some history into our blogs. I love the idea of turning all these stories into a book for my family.. So here goes...
This weeks questions:
1. What was your mother's name? Maria Dolores but goes by Lola
Your Father's name? Sergio
Your grandmother's names? Ramona (maternal) & Antonia (paternal)
Your grandfather's names? Francisco (maternal) & Sergio (paternal)
What did you call them? Abuelita and abuelito (Spanish)
2. Do you have brother's and sisters? yes, one brother
What are their names? Arthur
How old were you when they were born? I was six.
Do you remember the first time you saw them? No but I do remember him as a baby.
3. What about your aunts and uncles?I had 7 uncles on my mom's side and 2 aunts. Uncles are as follows: Francisco (Pancho), Carlos (Chivo), Antonio (Seco), Ricardo (Ricas), Lorenzo (Lencho), Jose (Chepe), and Guadalupe (Lupe). Aunts: Josefina and Consuelo (Chelo). On my father's side I have one aunt and one uncle. Uncles Luis Alfredo (Alfredo) and Maria del Carmen (Pame). My grandfather remarried and I have another aunt and uncle. Suzanna (Suzi) and Alejandro (Alex).
Did they play an important part in your growing up? My mother's side plaed a huge role. All my uncles spent time in my life. We lived near most of them until I was about 10. I have memories of bi gfamily gatherings with my cousins. My uncle Pancho is my Godfather. I have lovely memoreis of most of my uncles since they were all very different..The following uncles have passed away in my life time.. Carlos, Ricardo and Antonio. My aunt Josefina was like another mother although time has made us grow apart. My aunt Chelo was in my life when I was a preteen and I remember listening to music at her house in Tijuana on the beach..
Did your family get together much casualy or did you have to travel to spend time together? We always spent time together prior to my grandmother passing. She was truly the glue. After she passed most of the families drifted apart. Now we only see eachother on rare occasions..
On my Father's side of the family we didn't see each other that often since my parents never married. I was lucky to know my grandmother whom I visited fairly often. She would let me watch Spanish black and White movies with her and take me to eat at her favorite Chinese restaurant, The Arizona. My Uncle Alfredo and My Aunt Hilda were my constant link to that side of the family. I would often spend the night, go to the desert or just visit with them. Even now we are close.